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Wednesday, December 19 Feel like going on a holiday. badly.just feel like taking a break. just wanna go away. Heli Dont ask me why 12:49 AM Saturday, December 1 Pass or fail?MA1102R - Calculus. I almost couldn't do a question honestly. Probably felt what people always say "mind just went blank". ya i felt that way for the first 5 mins. And i started to feel very frightful. fearful. and then i recalled, can't. no it can't be this way. and i tried to calm down, and i keep asking God for help. through out the paper, literally i was talking to myself, talking to God. i tried to be as positive as possible in all ways, all questions. i really tried my best. was a little angry with myself somewhere through out the paper, a few moments when i felt just.. like the world is really spinning around me. finally when i handed in the paper. i have no confidence if i could just even pass the paper or not. I felt very heavy after the paper. i couldn't help but, unable to thank God for whatever it was. not that i was angry with God, not that i didn't want to thank Him, just that i don't know where to start with or what to start with. i felt bad because, maybe i could have done better.. put in a little more effort. It was not His problem definitely. It was a situation like.. a child unable to express what she has to say about how badly she has done to a Father. Dear Papa in heaven, i'm sorry that i might not have done well for my math, that i might not even pass. i guess i hadn't put in all i could before the paper, i thought could have done better. it wasn't that i don't want to talk to you after the paper, but i just felt bad inside. forgive me for not thanking you. forgive me for not wanting to talk to you. but i knew you were probably just somewhere around, not very near to me perhaps because you know i needed to be alone. but i want to tell you that.. no matter the outcome of my grades, i will still want to praise you. yes i will still praise you for bringing me this far. may i come before you, and just be still. i have no words left to say, but i just want to come to you. David intended to build a permanent home for the ark of the covenant of the Lord and had made preparations to build it (1 Chron 28:2). Intentions. Preparations. But no temple. Why? "But God said to me, 'You are not to build a house for my Name" (1 Chron 28:3) But God.. Was David discouraged? No. He stood willing. "Yet the Lord, the God of Israel, chose me from my whole family to be king over Israel forever." (1 Chron 28:4) Yet God.. He followed the "but God" with a "yet God". Yup. I'm going to adopt the same way. although perhaps my situation is not really the same, maybe incomparable. Ya. i'm quite sure i want to hold this attitude, this way of thinking. yup. Trust me. God is an awesome God. I will still say this even if i fail. He is an awesome God. Its not about my papers, its about Him. Heli Dont ask me why 10:39 PM |
Personal archives 2002.11 .: Thoughts :. I know i have to let you go.. Everyone tells me this is so... See, my life has stopped since You passed away Sometimes i can't bear it Even for one more day.. Thoughts of you consume me Every second of everyday I just want it back you know The way things used to be... In my life you held the key And now i have just your memory And though this is not enough for me This is how it has to be... I need to laugh again without feeling guilty You aren't here... I feel so alone & full of tear It's so terribly hard when all that's Left is tears... Mum, i wish you are here Just plainly listening to me... I promise to keep you safe Where you have always been of course In my heart, that's the place... |